BREAKING: Steve Novick linked to rhetorical devices

Novick Has History of Linguistic Legerdemain

If he's willing to use figures of speech, what else is he capable of?

Portland - Today, at the world headquarters of the biggest grassroots campaign in history, Jeff Merkley produced material sure to cast further doubt on the credibility of Steve Novick's candidacy for the Democratic nomination for US Senate.

Last year, in an internet posting, Novick used hyperbole to describe Bono as the "most hyprocritical [sic] being on the face of the earth." This action was criticized by some, but most were willing to give Novick the benefit of the doubt, in case it was nothing more than an accident. However, the Merkley campaign has recently unearthed further evidence tying Novick to rhetorical device use.

"It's become clear that Steve Novick has demonstrated a pattern of using rhetorical devices for personal gain," purred Merkley spokesman Matt Canter, slowly running a hand through his windswept hair. "Voters can never tell where Steve stands on issues, because he's always burying his positions in a mound of figures of speech."

"Even more than hope and change, this election is about simple statements. Novick has shown no compunction about using stylistic devices to capture the attention of his audience, and even to provoke emotional responses."

The Merkley campaign has documented at least three other occasions in Novick's life of this reprehensible behavior.

• Egregious use of polysyndeton in a first grade essay: "I like puppies and I like kittens and I like ponies and I like dinosaurs."

• Anaphora in a letter to his own mother in December of 1981, while a student at Harvard Law: "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat, and a '64 Impala."

• And yesterday, a Merkley campaign staffer caught Novick rhetorically red-handed in a restaurant, observing to a companion that he was hungry enough to "eat a horse."
  

Was Novick, in fact, hungry enough to consume an entire horse? With his history of deception, it would be impossible to tell.

"If Novick is willing to mislead teachers and family, who won't he deceive with his verbal tricks?" asked Canter, admiring himself in a mirror across the room as he spoke. "We are confident that next month, Oregon Democrats will see him as the pro-parataxis advocate that he is."

Merkley: Hand-shaking his way to the Democratic nomination

Merkley Best Candidate to Handle Gordon Smith

The Speaker shakes hands at a fierce clip, outpacing his Democratic opponents

Portland – At his U.S. Senate campaign headquarters, Speaker Jeff Merkley sought to draw important distinctions between himself and his opponents for the Democratic nomination. With the primary at hand, Jeff enumerated the reasons why he is best-equipped to go mano-a-mano with Gordon Smith in November.

"Our campaign is in great shape," said Merkley, gesticulating wildly. "We're raising money hand-over-fist, and we're building the largest grassroots movement in the history of the world. We'll prove that Oregonians won't stand for somebody who has consistently stood by and clapped for George Bush. "

The Democratic primary has been heating up in recent weeks, with the Novick campaign growing more and more negative, and beginning to resort to desperate attacks on the Speaker.

Nevertheless, Merkley took the high road.

"Steve's a good man, but it's important to recognize that we're different candidates with different abilities," said Merkley. "I feel that I owe it to the voters of Oregon to highlight these distinctions. There are real differences between us."

"Indeed, perhaps the most important part of politics is talking with voters in large event settings. A strong candidate must respect voters enough to move quickly through a crowd and shake hundreds of hands. This is a storied American tradition, and the Democratic nominee for US Senate must use it to his full advantage this fall."

"However, having just one hand, Steve's hand-shaking pace lags significantly behind mine. This raises serious and legitimate questions about the credibility of Steve's candidacy."

"I would be disrespecting hard-working, bi-handed Oregonians if I didn't highlight this critical difference. It is a simple fact that over the course of the primary campaign, I have been able to shake thousands, if not millions, more hands than Steve."

Additionally, asked Merkley rhetorically, "If Steve can't out-shake me, how can he possibly hope to compete with Gordon Smith, an extremely skilled politician with extremely skilled hands?"

Geoff Merkley and the international conspiracy to bring down Steve Novick

Today I received an electronic communique from the Merkley Campaign. Not surprisingly, it was the announcement of another Serious Endorsement, courtesy of the Council for a Livable World. The note was signed by the Chief Operating Officer, Guy Stevens, and the Executive Director, named John Isaacs.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?!

Not much, actually. Just that the campaign is getting so lazy that they're now trotting out endorsements by people with the same names of campaign staffers (notwithstanding the only difference, the silent, irrelevant, and poor, poor H).

However, I must issue a word of warning. To Geoff Merkley, resident of the neighorhood of Port Hammond, in the town of Maple Ridge which lies east of Vancouver, BC: Watch out. They're gunning for you next. Sorry, I guess that was 7 words of warning, if you count the contraction as one word. Sorry.

Anyway, I am a master sleuth, but somehow, in my quest to warn this poor fellow of the ignoble fate that awaits him -- becoming just another notch on Jeff Merkley's bedpost -- I have hit a wall. According to this website, Geoff Merkley lives on Stonehenge Drive. However, there appears to be no Stonehenge Drive in either Maple Ridge or neighboring Pitt Meadows. DOES THIS PORTEND AN ALIEN INVASION? Maybe I've been watching too much Independence Day lately, but I don't know what else could possibly account for these discrepancies.

BUT WAIT! There's been an important breakthrough in this previously insoluble case.

Barely a kilometer east of Port Hammond, I have discovered that there is a Merkley Park! HOLY SHIT!!!

SEE FOR YOURSELF. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? The only possible conclusion is that the Merkley Campaign is now conspiring with Canadians to bring down its hook-ed opponent (it must have something to do with their history of successfully battling pirates). STEVE, WATCH OUT FOR FLYING HOCKEY PUCKS!

My hat is off to The Daily Tidings! (NOT A PIRATE HAT)

Another day in Amazing Race: Sprint to the Democratic Nomination for US Senate, another huge boner by Steve Novick. But this time the media wasn't going to let him get away with it.

The Ashland Daily Tidings wrote an absolutely blistering editorial assailing Novick for this press release, which was published on International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Most of us were sitting on our thumbs and thinking it impolitic to criticize a hook-ed man for common corsair imitation, but the editorial board had the guts to publish the truth.

If there were one distinguishing characteristic of American politics in the 21st century, it would be this:

Our elected officials do not take themselves seriously enough.

Politicians are not like you and me. And they certainly should not act like regular humans.

We must hold candidates for Senate to an even higher standard. They should not laugh. They should not experience joy. It's not senatorial.

This passage nails it:

But lest anyone actually take Novick seriously, he also issued a series of press releases announcing his new nickname, "Left Hook" Novick, and an attack release on "Gordon Red Ink Smith." If that's not enough to eradicate any hope of consideration, Novick's release is written in honor of International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Amen, mystery editors. To have the gall to write this stuff on International Talk Like A Pirate Day is as nutty as dressing up in a costume to go canvassing on Halloween!

Novick's bizarre timing aside, we should be very careful to not fall for his beguiling trickery. And we should see it for what it really is, as the editors make plain here:

The campaign has barely begun and Novick is already reaching for gimmicks. Unfortunately, this ill-advised attempt at humor plays on Novick's own misfortune, for he truly does have a hook for a left hand

I would offer the following words of advice to Mr. Novick, but the Daily Tidings has officially sounded the death knell of his candidacy, so my expertise will have to serve Democratic candidates in the future, when all of our campaigns will be waged against the robots (naturally, this advice will remain relevant).

1) If you're going to make a joke, please do not do so while running for higher office. Humor has no place in politics.

2) If you look different, and have an inspiring life story based on your efforts to overcome adversity and your struggles to come to terms with your differences and to make other people comfortable with them, and you consequently view people, society, and inequality with a unique and valuable perspective, please keep it to yourself. Nobody likes a gimmick.

3) If you absolutely must make a joke, please do not highlight your disability. The rest of us would just rather not have to be reminded.

4) If you are brainy, you cannot also be silly. If you are silly, you cannot also be brainy. This obvious truth of American politics was invoked brilliantly by bdunn, commenting over at consummate insider blog The Beaver Boundary (I have wondered: is it the labia? Or the mons pubis?).

5) If you strive to involve new and traditionally ignored people in your line of work, maybe you should move to the professional sports arena. There are already too many cooks in the kitchen of our democracy.

6) Finally, if you look different, please do not be too disappointed when you lose the election. Take solace in the fact that it's not your fault: humans are simply not wired to vote for you (probably a nature/nurture thing).

The Tidings rightfully signaled the end of the primary, based on Novick's foolish overtures toward the nerd bloc. But there is a GREATER CONTROVERSY HERE!

He didn't just commit acts unbecoming a Senatorial candidate -- Steve Novick consciously chose to emulate bloodthirsty, thieving assassins.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day sounds fun and harmless, but what most people don't know is that it began over five centuries ago as a pirate PR campaign, orchestrated by pirate leadership as a way to soften their image, so when a treasure-bearing crew was traversing the high seas and saw the skull and crossbones flying nearby, they would laugh heartily and smile, their guards down. And then the pirates would strike.

Such callous insensitivity toward this history is what really disqualifies Novick for the nomination. Think of the victims, across the millennia! Think of Peter Pan, and his sweet Wendy. Think of what their descendants thought when they heard that Steve Novick was legitimizing the scourge of the seas.

Didn't we learn anything from Waterworld? PIRATES ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED. Especially in a post-apocalyptic future when the oceans wash over the globe and destroy civilization as we know it. Just wait until global warming gets worse and the oceans flood our cities and you're trusting pirates and the people who emulate them. Just wait and see who's laughing then (hint: it will be the pirates).

Punk'd by automatons: The Jeff Merkley story

Robots rarely tolerate indignity, but when it comes from one of their own, they do not rest until commensurate harm has been visited upon the traitor's head.

Jeff Merkley learned this lesson the hard way.

This story dates back to the end of the 2007 legislative session, when Merkley had one eye on the Democratic nomination for US Senate and the other on his trusty can of WD40. He knew that an overt association with robots does not play well with the electorate, and he made strong efforts to distance himself from his fellow automatons, voting with the rest of the House to limit their access into the homes of regular Oregonians.

Predictably, the calling droids were furious, their livelihoods snuffed out with a single vote. And robot leadership began plotting its revenge.

They patiently waited until the right moment, when the Merkley campaign was riding a crest of momentum from its official kickoff, the lovesick melodies of The Retrofits still echoing across that lonely parking lot, and then they deployed the droids, sounding as if they had been contracted by the Merkley campaign. "Oh hey... it's Jeff."

It was a brilliantly ironic prank: obviously no campaign manager in his right mind would send robots to the telephones this early in the campaign! And implicating Merkley in actions that contravened a vote he made mere months ago was comedic genius.

But the campaign couldn't just laugh it off. And to publicly accuse the robots of sabotage would have called attention to Merkley's personal history with them, so campaign manager Jon Isaacs smartly bit the bullet, and took responsibility for actions that weren't his. Obviously, these guys are professionals.

But will the truth of this matter leak out (Alli Oops!) into the Main Stream Media? Not if the robots can help it. I'm probably even putting myself in danger by writing this. If I don't report to work tomorrow, call Will Smith. He'll know what to do.

Why I won't add Steve Novick and Jeff Merkley as Facebook Friends

Any self-respecting human needs a Facebook.

This nugget of wisdom, of course, comes at no surprise to you. You're totally hip; you ditched Friendster and MySpace while you were still in diapers. Maybe your first words were even similar to mine: "It's kind of neat that MySpace layouts are customizable, allowing America's true colors to shine, but Facebook is the future, so sleek and sexy, certainly never to release their precious source code to renegade developers! Goo goo ga ga."

Any self-respecting politician needs a Facebook. Perennially uncool, this demographic has only recently discovered social networking. Jeff Merkley recently got a Facebook of his very own. Steve Novick has one too.

But there are grave differences between these politicians and a regular fellow like me. Like just about everybody else, I came on Facebook to find true love (mission accomplished LOL).

These politicians, on the other hand, signed up for Facebook accounts in search of a different sort of a love, the kind that requires them to press the flesh and spend a lot of time away from family.

I'm talking about S&M, of course. But they also use Facebook to court likely voters. And in this brave new world of superficial interaction, it's obvious that certain candidates want my vote more than others.

Indeed, I get the sense that most of the activity on Novick's profile is The Candidate himself, whereas Merkley has outsourced the updating of his profile to Chinese teenagers obviously too strung out on World of Warcraft to remember to add data like Merkley's Favorite TV Shows and Favorite Movies, the kind of important information that we voters will ultimately base our decisions on.

But I could be wrong. I don't spend a lot of time on these profiles, for I am not their Friend. I suppose I should just come out with it: I'm not comfortable adding local politicians as Facebook Friends.

But it's not because I would be too tempted to suggest extremely profane Friend details. I wouldn't feel weird about that at all.

It's something else that concerns me. I'm hesitant to add local politicians, you see, because of the hundreds of nude photographs that perverts have secretly taken of me and posted on my Facebook.

I could care less about the national level. Presidential candidates wouldn't dream of wasting time logging onto Facebook themselves; it's likely many of them don't even know what Facebook actually is. Ron Paul didn't know about YouTube until he was the hero of the elite libertarian class of n3rdy hax0rz that controls Digg, and by extension, the rest of the internets.

Here's what I'm getting at: do I care if some low-level John Edwards staffer sees my ass? Absolutely not. In fact, I'd kind of like it. Ames, Iowa, this moon shines for you!

I'm less comfortable baring it all to these local politicians, who easily could log on to their account themselves, and who I could easily run into on the mean streets of Portland, at any time. Encountering a powerful stranger downtown who recognizes your ass, I daresay I need to tell you, is quite embarrassing, and can lead to truly tragic misunderstandings.

So where does this leave us? Well, Jeff Merkley's ingenius Evite to George W. Bush really inspired me, so I thought I'd try my hand at the electronic card fad.

To the Novick and Merkley campaigns:


Please accept this card with my deepest regrets, but also know that someday, in the future, I just might work up the courage to show you my ass.