BREAKING: Steve Novick linked to rhetorical devices

Novick Has History of Linguistic Legerdemain

If he's willing to use figures of speech, what else is he capable of?

Portland - Today, at the world headquarters of the biggest grassroots campaign in history, Jeff Merkley produced material sure to cast further doubt on the credibility of Steve Novick's candidacy for the Democratic nomination for US Senate.

Last year, in an internet posting, Novick used hyperbole to describe Bono as the "most hyprocritical [sic] being on the face of the earth." This action was criticized by some, but most were willing to give Novick the benefit of the doubt, in case it was nothing more than an accident. However, the Merkley campaign has recently unearthed further evidence tying Novick to rhetorical device use.

"It's become clear that Steve Novick has demonstrated a pattern of using rhetorical devices for personal gain," purred Merkley spokesman Matt Canter, slowly running a hand through his windswept hair. "Voters can never tell where Steve stands on issues, because he's always burying his positions in a mound of figures of speech."

"Even more than hope and change, this election is about simple statements. Novick has shown no compunction about using stylistic devices to capture the attention of his audience, and even to provoke emotional responses."

The Merkley campaign has documented at least three other occasions in Novick's life of this reprehensible behavior.

• Egregious use of polysyndeton in a first grade essay: "I like puppies and I like kittens and I like ponies and I like dinosaurs."

• Anaphora in a letter to his own mother in December of 1981, while a student at Harvard Law: "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat, and a '64 Impala."

• And yesterday, a Merkley campaign staffer caught Novick rhetorically red-handed in a restaurant, observing to a companion that he was hungry enough to "eat a horse."
  

Was Novick, in fact, hungry enough to consume an entire horse? With his history of deception, it would be impossible to tell.

"If Novick is willing to mislead teachers and family, who won't he deceive with his verbal tricks?" asked Canter, admiring himself in a mirror across the room as he spoke. "We are confident that next month, Oregon Democrats will see him as the pro-parataxis advocate that he is."

Merkley: Hand-shaking his way to the Democratic nomination

Merkley Best Candidate to Handle Gordon Smith

The Speaker shakes hands at a fierce clip, outpacing his Democratic opponents

Portland – At his U.S. Senate campaign headquarters, Speaker Jeff Merkley sought to draw important distinctions between himself and his opponents for the Democratic nomination. With the primary at hand, Jeff enumerated the reasons why he is best-equipped to go mano-a-mano with Gordon Smith in November.

"Our campaign is in great shape," said Merkley, gesticulating wildly. "We're raising money hand-over-fist, and we're building the largest grassroots movement in the history of the world. We'll prove that Oregonians won't stand for somebody who has consistently stood by and clapped for George Bush. "

The Democratic primary has been heating up in recent weeks, with the Novick campaign growing more and more negative, and beginning to resort to desperate attacks on the Speaker.

Nevertheless, Merkley took the high road.

"Steve's a good man, but it's important to recognize that we're different candidates with different abilities," said Merkley. "I feel that I owe it to the voters of Oregon to highlight these distinctions. There are real differences between us."

"Indeed, perhaps the most important part of politics is talking with voters in large event settings. A strong candidate must respect voters enough to move quickly through a crowd and shake hundreds of hands. This is a storied American tradition, and the Democratic nominee for US Senate must use it to his full advantage this fall."

"However, having just one hand, Steve's hand-shaking pace lags significantly behind mine. This raises serious and legitimate questions about the credibility of Steve's candidacy."

"I would be disrespecting hard-working, bi-handed Oregonians if I didn't highlight this critical difference. It is a simple fact that over the course of the primary campaign, I have been able to shake thousands, if not millions, more hands than Steve."

Additionally, asked Merkley rhetorically, "If Steve can't out-shake me, how can he possibly hope to compete with Gordon Smith, an extremely skilled politician with extremely skilled hands?"