BREAKING: Steve Novick linked to rhetorical devices

Novick Has History of Linguistic Legerdemain

If he's willing to use figures of speech, what else is he capable of?

Portland - Today, at the world headquarters of the biggest grassroots campaign in history, Jeff Merkley produced material sure to cast further doubt on the credibility of Steve Novick's candidacy for the Democratic nomination for US Senate.

Last year, in an internet posting, Novick used hyperbole to describe Bono as the "most hyprocritical [sic] being on the face of the earth." This action was criticized by some, but most were willing to give Novick the benefit of the doubt, in case it was nothing more than an accident. However, the Merkley campaign has recently unearthed further evidence tying Novick to rhetorical device use.

"It's become clear that Steve Novick has demonstrated a pattern of using rhetorical devices for personal gain," purred Merkley spokesman Matt Canter, slowly running a hand through his windswept hair. "Voters can never tell where Steve stands on issues, because he's always burying his positions in a mound of figures of speech."

"Even more than hope and change, this election is about simple statements. Novick has shown no compunction about using stylistic devices to capture the attention of his audience, and even to provoke emotional responses."

The Merkley campaign has documented at least three other occasions in Novick's life of this reprehensible behavior.

• Egregious use of polysyndeton in a first grade essay: "I like puppies and I like kittens and I like ponies and I like dinosaurs."

• Anaphora in a letter to his own mother in December of 1981, while a student at Harvard Law: "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat, and a '64 Impala."

• And yesterday, a Merkley campaign staffer caught Novick rhetorically red-handed in a restaurant, observing to a companion that he was hungry enough to "eat a horse."
  

Was Novick, in fact, hungry enough to consume an entire horse? With his history of deception, it would be impossible to tell.

"If Novick is willing to mislead teachers and family, who won't he deceive with his verbal tricks?" asked Canter, admiring himself in a mirror across the room as he spoke. "We are confident that next month, Oregon Democrats will see him as the pro-parataxis advocate that he is."