Today I received an electronic communique from the Merkley Campaign. Not surprisingly, it was the announcement of another Serious Endorsement, courtesy of the Council for a Livable World. The note was signed by the Chief Operating Officer, Guy Stevens, and the Executive Director, named John Isaacs.
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?!
Not much, actually. Just that the campaign is getting so lazy that they're now trotting out endorsements by people with the same names of campaign staffers (notwithstanding the only difference, the silent, irrelevant, and poor, poor H).
However, I must issue a word of warning. To Geoff Merkley, resident of the neighorhood of Port Hammond, in the town of Maple Ridge which lies east of Vancouver, BC: Watch out. They're gunning for you next. Sorry, I guess that was 7 words of warning, if you count the contraction as one word. Sorry.
Anyway, I am a master sleuth, but somehow, in my quest to warn this poor fellow of the ignoble fate that awaits him -- becoming just another notch on Jeff Merkley's bedpost -- I have hit a wall. According to this website, Geoff Merkley lives on Stonehenge Drive. However, there appears to be no Stonehenge Drive in either Maple Ridge or neighboring Pitt Meadows. DOES THIS PORTEND AN ALIEN INVASION? Maybe I've been watching too much Independence Day lately, but I don't know what else could possibly account for these discrepancies.
BUT WAIT! There's been an important breakthrough in this previously insoluble case.
Barely a kilometer east of Port Hammond, I have discovered that there is a Merkley Park! HOLY SHIT!!!
SEE FOR YOURSELF. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? The only possible conclusion is that the Merkley Campaign is now conspiring with Canadians to bring down its hook-ed opponent (it must have something to do with their history of successfully battling pirates). STEVE, WATCH OUT FOR FLYING HOCKEY PUCKS!
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
My hat is off to The Daily Tidings! (NOT A PIRATE HAT)
Another day in Amazing Race: Sprint to the Democratic Nomination for US Senate, another huge boner by Steve Novick. But this time the media wasn't going to let him get away with it.
The Ashland Daily Tidings wrote an absolutely blistering editorial assailing Novick for this press release, which was published on International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Most of us were sitting on our thumbs and thinking it impolitic to criticize a hook-ed man for common corsair imitation, but the editorial board had the guts to publish the truth.
If there were one distinguishing characteristic of American politics in the 21st century, it would be this:
Our elected officials do not take themselves seriously enough.
Politicians are not like you and me. And they certainly should not act like regular humans.
We must hold candidates for Senate to an even higher standard. They should not laugh. They should not experience joy. It's not senatorial.
This passage nails it:
But lest anyone actually take Novick seriously, he also issued a series of press releases announcing his new nickname, "Left Hook" Novick, and an attack release on "Gordon Red Ink Smith." If that's not enough to eradicate any hope of consideration, Novick's release is written in honor of International Talk Like A Pirate Day.
Amen, mystery editors. To have the gall to write this stuff on International Talk Like A Pirate Day is as nutty as dressing up in a costume to go canvassing on Halloween!
Novick's bizarre timing aside, we should be very careful to not fall for his beguiling trickery. And we should see it for what it really is, as the editors make plain here:
The campaign has barely begun and Novick is already reaching for gimmicks. Unfortunately, this ill-advised attempt at humor plays on Novick's own misfortune, for he truly does have a hook for a left hand
I would offer the following words of advice to Mr. Novick, but the Daily Tidings has officially sounded the death knell of his candidacy, so my expertise will have to serve Democratic candidates in the future, when all of our campaigns will be waged against the robots (naturally, this advice will remain relevant).
2) If you look different, and have an inspiring life story based on your efforts to overcome adversity and your struggles to come to terms with your differences and to make other people comfortable with them, and you consequently view people, society, and inequality with a unique and valuable perspective, please keep it to yourself. Nobody likes a gimmick.
3) If you absolutely must make a joke, please do not highlight your disability. The rest of us would just rather not have to be reminded.
4) If you are brainy, you cannot also be silly. If you are silly, you cannot also be brainy. This obvious truth of American politics was invoked brilliantly by bdunn, commenting over at consummate insider blog The Beaver Boundary (I have wondered: is it the labia? Or the mons pubis?).
5) If you strive to involve new and traditionally ignored people in your line of work, maybe you should move to the professional sports arena. There are already too many cooks in the kitchen of our democracy.
6) Finally, if you look different, please do not be too disappointed when you lose the election. Take solace in the fact that it's not your fault: humans are simply not wired to vote for you (probably a nature/nurture thing).
The Tidings rightfully signaled the end of the primary, based on Novick's foolish overtures toward the nerd bloc. But there is a GREATER CONTROVERSY HERE!
He didn't just commit acts unbecoming a Senatorial candidate -- Steve Novick consciously chose to emulate bloodthirsty, thieving assassins.
International Talk Like a Pirate Day sounds fun and harmless, but what most people don't know is that it began over five centuries ago as a pirate PR campaign, orchestrated by pirate leadership as a way to soften their image, so when a treasure-bearing crew was traversing the high seas and saw the skull and crossbones flying nearby, they would laugh heartily and smile, their guards down. And then the pirates would strike.
Such callous insensitivity toward this history is what really disqualifies Novick for the nomination. Think of the victims, across the millennia! Think of Peter Pan, and his sweet Wendy. Think of what their descendants thought when they heard that Steve Novick was legitimizing the scourge of the seas.
Didn't we learn anything from Waterworld? PIRATES ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED. Especially in a post-apocalyptic future when the oceans wash over the globe and destroy civilization as we know it. Just wait until global warming gets worse and the oceans flood our cities and you're trusting pirates and the people who emulate them. Just wait and see who's laughing then (hint: it will be the pirates).
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Punk'd by automatons: The Jeff Merkley story
Robots rarely tolerate indignity, but when it comes from one of their own, they do not rest until commensurate harm has been visited upon the traitor's head.
Jeff Merkley learned this lesson the hard way.
This story dates back to the end of the 2007 legislative session, when Merkley had one eye on the Democratic nomination for US Senate and the other on his trusty can of WD40. He knew that an overt association with robots does not play well with the electorate, and he made strong efforts to distance himself from his fellow automatons, voting with the rest of the House to limit their access into the homes of regular Oregonians.
Predictably, the calling droids were furious, their livelihoods snuffed out with a single vote. And robot leadership began plotting its revenge.
They patiently waited until the right moment, when the Merkley campaign was riding a crest of momentum from its official kickoff, the lovesick melodies of The Retrofits still echoing across that lonely parking lot, and then they deployed the droids, sounding as if they had been contracted by the Merkley campaign. "Oh hey... it's Jeff."
It was a brilliantly ironic prank: obviously no campaign manager in his right mind would send robots to the telephones this early in the campaign! And implicating Merkley in actions that contravened a vote he made mere months ago was comedic genius.
But the campaign couldn't just laugh it off. And to publicly accuse the robots of sabotage would have called attention to Merkley's personal history with them, so campaign manager Jon Isaacs smartly bit the bullet, and took responsibility for actions that weren't his. Obviously, these guys are professionals.
But will the truth of this matter leak out (Alli Oops!) into the Main Stream Media? Not if the robots can help it. I'm probably even putting myself in danger by writing this. If I don't report to work tomorrow, call Will Smith. He'll know what to do.
Jeff Merkley learned this lesson the hard way.
This story dates back to the end of the 2007 legislative session, when Merkley had one eye on the Democratic nomination for US Senate and the other on his trusty can of WD40. He knew that an overt association with robots does not play well with the electorate, and he made strong efforts to distance himself from his fellow automatons, voting with the rest of the House to limit their access into the homes of regular Oregonians.
Predictably, the calling droids were furious, their livelihoods snuffed out with a single vote. And robot leadership began plotting its revenge.
They patiently waited until the right moment, when the Merkley campaign was riding a crest of momentum from its official kickoff, the lovesick melodies of The Retrofits still echoing across that lonely parking lot, and then they deployed the droids, sounding as if they had been contracted by the Merkley campaign. "Oh hey... it's Jeff."
It was a brilliantly ironic prank: obviously no campaign manager in his right mind would send robots to the telephones this early in the campaign! And implicating Merkley in actions that contravened a vote he made mere months ago was comedic genius.
But the campaign couldn't just laugh it off. And to publicly accuse the robots of sabotage would have called attention to Merkley's personal history with them, so campaign manager Jon Isaacs smartly bit the bullet, and took responsibility for actions that weren't his. Obviously, these guys are professionals.
But will the truth of this matter leak out (Alli Oops!) into the Main Stream Media? Not if the robots can help it. I'm probably even putting myself in danger by writing this. If I don't report to work tomorrow, call Will Smith. He'll know what to do.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Why I won't add Steve Novick and Jeff Merkley as Facebook Friends
Any self-respecting human needs a Facebook.
This nugget of wisdom, of course, comes at no surprise to you. You're totally hip; you ditched Friendster and MySpace while you were still in diapers. Maybe your first words were even similar to mine: "It's kind of neat that MySpace layouts are customizable, allowing America's true colors to shine, but Facebook is the future, so sleek and sexy, certainly never to release their precious source code to renegade developers! Goo goo ga ga."
Any self-respecting politician needs a Facebook. Perennially uncool, this demographic has only recently discovered social networking. Jeff Merkley recently got a Facebook of his very own. Steve Novick has one too.
But there are grave differences between these politicians and a regular fellow like me. Like just about everybody else, I came on Facebook to find true love (mission accomplished LOL).
These politicians, on the other hand, signed up for Facebook accounts in search of a different sort of a love, the kind that requires them to press the flesh and spend a lot of time away from family.
I'm talking about S&M, of course. But they also use Facebook to court likely voters. And in this brave new world of superficial interaction, it's obvious that certain candidates want my vote more than others.
Indeed, I get the sense that most of the activity on Novick's profile is The Candidate himself, whereas Merkley has outsourced the updating of his profile to Chinese teenagers obviously too strung out on World of Warcraft to remember to add data like Merkley's Favorite TV Shows and Favorite Movies, the kind of important information that we voters will ultimately base our decisions on.
But I could be wrong. I don't spend a lot of time on these profiles, for I am not their Friend. I suppose I should just come out with it: I'm not comfortable adding local politicians as Facebook Friends.
But it's not because I would be too tempted to suggest extremely profane Friend details. I wouldn't feel weird about that at all.
It's something else that concerns me. I'm hesitant to add local politicians, you see, because of the hundreds of nude photographs that perverts have secretly taken of me and posted on my Facebook.
I could care less about the national level. Presidential candidates wouldn't dream of wasting time logging onto Facebook themselves; it's likely many of them don't even know what Facebook actually is. Ron Paul didn't know about YouTube until he was the hero of the elite libertarian class of n3rdy hax0rz that controls Digg, and by extension, the rest of the internets.
Here's what I'm getting at: do I care if some low-level John Edwards staffer sees my ass? Absolutely not. In fact, I'd kind of like it. Ames, Iowa, this moon shines for you!
I'm less comfortable baring it all to these local politicians, who easily could log on to their account themselves, and who I could easily run into on the mean streets of Portland, at any time. Encountering a powerful stranger downtown who recognizes your ass, I daresay I need to tell you, is quite embarrassing, and can lead to truly tragic misunderstandings.
So where does this leave us? Well, Jeff Merkley's ingenius Evite to George W. Bush really inspired me, so I thought I'd try my hand at the electronic card fad.
To the Novick and Merkley campaigns:
Please accept this card with my deepest regrets, but also know that someday, in the future, I just might work up the courage to show you my ass.
This nugget of wisdom, of course, comes at no surprise to you. You're totally hip; you ditched Friendster and MySpace while you were still in diapers. Maybe your first words were even similar to mine: "It's kind of neat that MySpace layouts are customizable, allowing America's true colors to shine, but Facebook is the future, so sleek and sexy, certainly never to release their precious source code to renegade developers! Goo goo ga ga."
Any self-respecting politician needs a Facebook. Perennially uncool, this demographic has only recently discovered social networking. Jeff Merkley recently got a Facebook of his very own. Steve Novick has one too.
But there are grave differences between these politicians and a regular fellow like me. Like just about everybody else, I came on Facebook to find true love (mission accomplished LOL).
These politicians, on the other hand, signed up for Facebook accounts in search of a different sort of a love, the kind that requires them to press the flesh and spend a lot of time away from family.
I'm talking about S&M, of course. But they also use Facebook to court likely voters. And in this brave new world of superficial interaction, it's obvious that certain candidates want my vote more than others.
Indeed, I get the sense that most of the activity on Novick's profile is The Candidate himself, whereas Merkley has outsourced the updating of his profile to Chinese teenagers obviously too strung out on World of Warcraft to remember to add data like Merkley's Favorite TV Shows and Favorite Movies, the kind of important information that we voters will ultimately base our decisions on.
But I could be wrong. I don't spend a lot of time on these profiles, for I am not their Friend. I suppose I should just come out with it: I'm not comfortable adding local politicians as Facebook Friends.
But it's not because I would be too tempted to suggest extremely profane Friend details. I wouldn't feel weird about that at all.
It's something else that concerns me. I'm hesitant to add local politicians, you see, because of the hundreds of nude photographs that perverts have secretly taken of me and posted on my Facebook.
I could care less about the national level. Presidential candidates wouldn't dream of wasting time logging onto Facebook themselves; it's likely many of them don't even know what Facebook actually is. Ron Paul didn't know about YouTube until he was the hero of the elite libertarian class of n3rdy hax0rz that controls Digg, and by extension, the rest of the internets.
Here's what I'm getting at: do I care if some low-level John Edwards staffer sees my ass? Absolutely not. In fact, I'd kind of like it. Ames, Iowa, this moon shines for you!
I'm less comfortable baring it all to these local politicians, who easily could log on to their account themselves, and who I could easily run into on the mean streets of Portland, at any time. Encountering a powerful stranger downtown who recognizes your ass, I daresay I need to tell you, is quite embarrassing, and can lead to truly tragic misunderstandings.
So where does this leave us? Well, Jeff Merkley's ingenius Evite to George W. Bush really inspired me, so I thought I'd try my hand at the electronic card fad.
To the Novick and Merkley campaigns:
Please accept this card with my deepest regrets, but also know that someday, in the future, I just might work up the courage to show you my ass.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
BREAKING: Merkley evites Bush to resign
CATAPULTING THE PROPAGANDA EXCLUSIVE: MUST CREDIT CATAPULTING THE PROPAGANDA
I have received word from my sources inside the sufficiently-oiled machine that Jeff Merkley has savaged George W. Bush, with an absolutely stunning electronic invitation. With only 5 minutes remaining until the stroke of midnight, the Merkley camp comes through as promised.
It is certainly going to be an unpleasant morning at the White House, when Bush wakes up at 9am, sniggers a few times, rolls over, and wakes up again at 11:30am and finally receives the news from his staff. There will doubtless be a few hours of shock, and then, after naptime, a press conference in the late afternoon.
Expect Steve Novick to hang up his hook soon after, and for Gordon Smith to hang his toupee on the lonely hook.
Remember: you heard it here first.
I have received word from my sources inside the sufficiently-oiled machine that Jeff Merkley has savaged George W. Bush, with an absolutely stunning electronic invitation. With only 5 minutes remaining until the stroke of midnight, the Merkley camp comes through as promised.
It is certainly going to be an unpleasant morning at the White House, when Bush wakes up at 9am, sniggers a few times, rolls over, and wakes up again at 11:30am and finally receives the news from his staff. There will doubtless be a few hours of shock, and then, after naptime, a press conference in the late afternoon.
Expect Steve Novick to hang up his hook soon after, and for Gordon Smith to hang his toupee on the lonely hook.
Remember: you heard it here first.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Jeff Merkley gets awesome, pulverizes Gonzales
In a brilliant move many are hailing as Caesar-like, Jeff Merkley recently harnessed the power of online petition to procure literally dozens of e-mail addresses, and armed with this awesome firepower, single-handedly brought down the first Hispanic Attorney General in our nation's history.
"We haven't seen firepower on this scale since the opening scene of Gladiator, when a very Merkleyesque Russell Crowe totally PWN3D Germanic fools," gushed primary opponent Steve Novick. "Um, vote hook? LOL."
But the move has generated considerable controversy across the state. The Oregon Republican Party immediately launched an attack on Merkley, claiming that his recent actions don't represent the majority of Oregonians.
"This audacious use of the internet shows just how far outside the mainstream Jeff Merkley really is," said Republican House Minority Leader Wayne Scott through his spokesman, Salacious Crumb. "We're confident that regular Oregonians will realize that Merkley represents the Macbooking, steamed milk-quaffing extreme gay left of the Democrat Party."
Merkley couldn't be reached for comment for this article, but his spokesman Jon Isaacs offered hints at what was in store next.
"Speaker Merkley has... hey, do you mind if I just call him Senator Merkley? Anyway, Senator Merkley has devised a plan to deal with the other law-breakers in this administration," announced Isaacs. "I really think this is such a stroke of brilliance on the Senator's part."
"On Wednesday of this week, we're going to send an Evite to President Bush and Vice President Cheney, cordially inviting them to leave office. We will await their RSVP."
"We haven't seen firepower on this scale since the opening scene of Gladiator, when a very Merkleyesque Russell Crowe totally PWN3D Germanic fools," gushed primary opponent Steve Novick. "Um, vote hook? LOL."
But the move has generated considerable controversy across the state. The Oregon Republican Party immediately launched an attack on Merkley, claiming that his recent actions don't represent the majority of Oregonians.
"This audacious use of the internet shows just how far outside the mainstream Jeff Merkley really is," said Republican House Minority Leader Wayne Scott through his spokesman, Salacious Crumb. "We're confident that regular Oregonians will realize that Merkley represents the Macbooking, steamed milk-quaffing extreme gay left of the Democrat Party."
Merkley couldn't be reached for comment for this article, but his spokesman Jon Isaacs offered hints at what was in store next.
"Speaker Merkley has... hey, do you mind if I just call him Senator Merkley? Anyway, Senator Merkley has devised a plan to deal with the other law-breakers in this administration," announced Isaacs. "I really think this is such a stroke of brilliance on the Senator's part."
"On Wednesday of this week, we're going to send an Evite to President Bush and Vice President Cheney, cordially inviting them to leave office. We will await their RSVP."
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