Punk'd by automatons: The Jeff Merkley story

Robots rarely tolerate indignity, but when it comes from one of their own, they do not rest until commensurate harm has been visited upon the traitor's head.

Jeff Merkley learned this lesson the hard way.

This story dates back to the end of the 2007 legislative session, when Merkley had one eye on the Democratic nomination for US Senate and the other on his trusty can of WD40. He knew that an overt association with robots does not play well with the electorate, and he made strong efforts to distance himself from his fellow automatons, voting with the rest of the House to limit their access into the homes of regular Oregonians.

Predictably, the calling droids were furious, their livelihoods snuffed out with a single vote. And robot leadership began plotting its revenge.

They patiently waited until the right moment, when the Merkley campaign was riding a crest of momentum from its official kickoff, the lovesick melodies of The Retrofits still echoing across that lonely parking lot, and then they deployed the droids, sounding as if they had been contracted by the Merkley campaign. "Oh hey... it's Jeff."

It was a brilliantly ironic prank: obviously no campaign manager in his right mind would send robots to the telephones this early in the campaign! And implicating Merkley in actions that contravened a vote he made mere months ago was comedic genius.

But the campaign couldn't just laugh it off. And to publicly accuse the robots of sabotage would have called attention to Merkley's personal history with them, so campaign manager Jon Isaacs smartly bit the bullet, and took responsibility for actions that weren't his. Obviously, these guys are professionals.

But will the truth of this matter leak out (Alli Oops!) into the Main Stream Media? Not if the robots can help it. I'm probably even putting myself in danger by writing this. If I don't report to work tomorrow, call Will Smith. He'll know what to do.